serendipity

hopeful heart

"A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones." -- the Bible / Book of Proverbs

I spent the better part of the past two days knitting a sock.  Just one sock.  I'd knit, make a mistake, rip, and knit again.  The heel alone took 8 attempts to get it just right.  This isn't me.  I'm generally not such a clutz.  But after the last attempt I finally realized the problem,  I'm scared.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Really.  The World Wide Web is chalk full of information to scare the wits out of you.  In my particular case, I have learned that radiation treatments I received 34 years ago may have hardened my heart.  Mom always said I was hard headed, but hard hearted too?   I won't even mention the possible long term side effects of the experimental chemotherapy treatments I had....  Tomorrow I must have a stress echo test.  Last year it took two technicians and a cardiology specialist to find my heart, so I don't have much hope for tomorrow running smoothly.  (I am just full of the puns tonight.  A stress echo requires running on a treadmill.  I'm just trying to keep things light hearted!)  

There is nothing like another's adversity to take your mind off of your own.  When I had the echo last year, I didn't blink.  I have a heart murmur and thought that was the reason for all the fuss.  My mother was at the hospital the same day for the insertion of a pacemaker, so I didn't think to ask more questions.   I should have been scared as my doctor took a listen to my chest and sent me straight to the hospital, but my heart was with my mom.  

All of this may be nothing.  I'm probably fit as a fiddle, but with history of heart disease on both sides of the family tree and the side effects of cancer treatments, I just don't know.  But heart disease or not, I think a slice of chocolate cake and some red wine will settle my nerves for now.

avoidance

"Work-work-work,

In the dull December light,

And work-work-work

When the weather is warm and bright-"  

-- Thomas Hood

I made jam.  I trimmed the hedges.  I installed two hanging plants on my front porch.  I weeded the front yard and half the back yard.  I am avoiding the studio.

Oh, ugh.

The weather is gorgeous and after Chicago's hellacious winter, I want to spend every minute outside in the sunshine.  My studio is ill placed in the basement.  I've tried taking my embroidery and knitting outside, but I end up seeing what needs to be pruned.  Or better yet, dip into one of the three new novels I just purchased.  I want to stretch out, sip my iced tea and chill.

But deadlines beckon........  

success

 

"Success is a consequence and must not be a goal."  --  Gustave Flaubert

A friend said she believed my career to be a success.  A success?  What is success?  According to the Miriam-Webster dictionary, it is the obtainment of one's goals.  This leads me to my next question - what exactly are my goals?

At this point in time my primary goal is to live entirely off of income derived from my art.  I love teaching, but in these last few years I have allowed it to become my main source of income which inevitably takes me away from the studio.  In order to maintain the level of production that I have, a sacrifice had to be made.  Little social life.  Not good.  Definitely not good. So I guess this is another goal - to live a life filled with art, but not only art. 

It's difficult to keep one's perspective when bombarded by other folks' definitions of success.  In this country, that definition often means money.  But honestly, I have pretty much all I need.  I'd like a vacation and some new kitchen tiles that don't shift underfoot, but even these things aren't really necessary.  Time is far more precious.

This week I learned that the cancer treatments I received at seven have an effect on me at 41.  My bones have been made brittle from chemotherapy treatments.  I'm in line for heart disease given all the radiation I received.  My LDL count is higher than desired.  Etcetera.  It is all rather depressing, but gave me the conviction to follow my goals.  Time is of the essence.  The seniors I have befriended this past year frequently remind me to enjoy the now and not the later.  The now is now! 

So though I appreciated the compliment of my friend, my career has been less of a success in my terms, but I know I am heading in the right direction.  

long live the king

"The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you."  --  B.B. King

I didn't make it to the Chicago Blues Festival and I'm mighty peeved with myself.  The day was dedicated to cleaning and catching up after being away for a week, but the evening, well, that was to be for the King.  And what did I do?  I stayed home.  I've allowed myself to get into a work rut and not take advantage of all that life offers, and that includes a free concert with the one and only B.B. King headlining.  

How did I allow work to become my norm?  It's easy to fall into the trap when 70 hour work weeks are necessary to keep food on the table and an art career flourishing.  I'm looking forward to a fall of only art.  I won't be teaching as much as I regularly do, just that which pertains to The Red Thread Project.  The decrease in income will be a bit scary, but I'm ready for the change.  Tonight's concert was free, but I stayed home to get more work done.   I need to relearn that life is so much more than work.  

home

"It is easy to say how we love new friends, and what we think of them, but words can never trace out all the fibers that knit us to the old."  --  George Eliot  It is interesting how the place where you were raised is the place with which you identify.  When folks ask me where I am from, I always respond with St. Louis despite having left it 34 years ago.  Family is still here.  My earliest memories are still here,  It's home. I've been back home for the past few days to teach at an art education conference where I converted several dozen teachers to the joys of knitting.  There was reason behind this madness as I am bringing The Red Thread Project to St, Louis this fall. I wanted to pump energy for the project. It worked. Several schools registered after the conference to have me be an artist-in-residence!  I like being able to combine art with visiting friends and family.   It really is the best of both worlds.   Today I am off to make the rounds of all my favorite food emporiums - Bissenger's for chocolate, the Hill for all things Italian, and some wine from Parker's Table.  Yummmmmmm.

morning

"In the garden my soul is sunshine." -- Anonymous

I know it is May, but I still find it incredible to wake every morning to so much green after a winter of gray, gray, and more gray.  I love to putter in my backyard garden during the early morning hours while still in my pajamas.  Yes, it's slightly weird, but there is something immensely decadent about slowly soaking in the morning sunshine. 

 

waltz of butterflies

"Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."  -- Nathaniel Hawthorne

The opening of Lawn Nation was much bigger than I had anticipated.  Well, actually, I didn't know what to anticipate, but I guess it wasn't the crowds of people who attended.

The primary exhibit at The Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum, other than of course the fabulous Lawn Nation, is their butterfly room.   Hundreds of butterflies flitted from flower to flower.  Pure magic.  I took a few minutes reprieve from the opening to visit the room and play with my camera. 

Here are two of my favorite pictures:



As I sat watching the waltz of butterflies, I understood the meaning to Hawthorne's words as one large black and blue butterfly landed on my shoulder.  I've been rushing from job to job, art show to art show.  I enjoy the craziness, but resting and looking are equally and perhaps even more satisfying.   

loathe

"I loathe narcissism, but I approve of vanity."  -- Diane Vreeland

As I prepared the shipment of my work for the San Jose Museum of Quilts and Textiles, I reflected on those activities I find particularly loathsome.  Packing art ranks high on the list. 

I put off these and similarly detested activities until the very last minute.  Some activities can be dangerous, such as cleaning gutters.  Others are icky.  Picking up dog poop is one that comes to mind especially if left for a day and its gone mushy in the rain. But then there are those activities which don't have the ick or danger factor, they are just tedious.  Packing art, washing windows, and balancing a checkbook  fall into this category.  I'm no Martha Stewart.  I don't revel in organization.  My office is a declared urban excavation site.  Anything requiring the minutiae of details to complete makes me a bit nutty.

I commiserated with a friend today when she wrote she was going crazy putting together a conference.  She's an idea gal.  She dreams and she dreams big.  But those little details that come with big dreams - she'd rather leave them to others. 

This must be why I loathe packing my art.  The art is made.  The fun part is over.  Besides, every time I pack my art I end up with a zillion paper cuts and those horrid Styrofoam peanuts clinging like mad to every surface in my studio.  You'd think they'd come up with a better solution.  Maybe then I would finally like packing.   

singing mona lisa

"Mona lisa, mona lisa, men have named you
You're so like the lady with the mystic smile
Is it only cause you're lonely they have blamed you?
For that mona lisa strangeness in your smile?"
--  Nat King Cole

A friend shared this video with me.  I had to share it with you.  It is just too funny.  The costumes are very clever.  Can't decide which "act" I like best, probably the first.

mantra

"Tell me how many beads there are
In a silver chain
Of evening rain,
Unravelled from the tumbling main,
And threading the eye of a yellow star:—
So many times do I love again."
--  Thomas Lovell Beddoes

Take a deep breath.  Exhale slowly.  Focus on each breath.   Oooone.  Twooooo.  Threeee......

I recite this mantra morning, noon, and night.   It is my vain attempt at keeping the panic attacks from settling into the bones.  So much to do in such a short time!  I need some sleep, but I leave you with another new bead embroidery titled "Coursing."

Photo by Sanders Visual Images